You taught me to love myself, to hate myself.
You taught me to love. To hate: in general.
Our relationship was out of the ordinary. It came with all the regular stuff, but was filled with so much more. The trip was the highest high, the lowest low. Butterflies in my tummy, electric shock.  We fought, but we were the cliche kids in love. I couldn’t picture myself without you. I felt like I needed you. To be happy. To make it through the day. To breathe. To live. Everything about you was so perfect to me. No matter what was going on in my life, you did this thing where you looked at me and my whole world would stop and nothing else would matter. 
you broke me into pieces, made me vulnerable, made me dependent. made me hate myself. made me crazy.
made

me

stronger 

i could apologize a million times for hurting you the way I did. It would never change it. I could never change the course our relationship took.
i would’nt ever change it. i wouldn’t take back a thing. you made me feel like i was someone, at the same time you would tear me apart. And you’d try to tape me back together, but that didn’t fix a thing. I was still broken, and insecure on the inside. Love should not be that way.
some days you loved me
some days you wanted nothing to do with me

NOTHING WAS CONSISTENT IN MY LIFE
maybe you couldn’t handle that. that i depended on you. i shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but i knew nothing else. you were the only consistent thing in my life for almost a year and a half prior
the times i needed you most you weren’t there.

eventually i stopped depending on you, naturally. i stopped calling you when I was sad. I stopped waiting for you to text me good morning. i stopped expecting you to tell me you missed me. i stopped expecting you to make time for me. i stopped trying, the way you had been the whole time we were together. And after pretending i didn’t care for so long, i began to not care. turn to other things, other people. you felt what i felt the entire relationship. NO. i do not believe you deserve it, but i can’t help it. i just couldn’t pretend shit was the same anymore.